Egoic Stories

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Have you ever considered how hard it is to stick with the straight facts of a situation? Say you’re driving down the road and someone stops suddenly, making you brake so quickly, it’s frightening. Your thoughts might jump to “they did that on purpose!” or “they’re not paying attention”. How about your significant other? Perhaps you call them and they haven’t returned your call. What goes through your head? Do you think they’re too busy? Do you wonder if they are okay? If you text something and they don’t answer back, what do you think? Is it something like “they’re ignoring me so they must be angry” or maybe it’s “how rude!” or “they must think what I said isn’t important”?

Here are the facts when your significant other doesn't answer a text: 1) you sent a text to your significant other. 2) there was no answer.

That's it. There are no other facts. Don't let your thoughts create any other story out of it.

Real life example: My older teenage son’s bathroom was disgusting. When I discovered it, I immediately noticed I was reactive and angry, so I took the time to get present before addressing it with him. When I finally did, I was very firm and serious in nature – a demeanor not normally seen in me. What happened? My son overreacted to the extreme. He behaved as though he had PTSD and was in a war zone. He sobbed for hours, he flinched when I spoke to him and he ran when adults approached. It was completely bizarre.

I sat him down. I asked him why he was acting as though he would be hit. Was he in danger? What was he thinking that was telling him he must run from his family? Why did getting in trouble over the condition of his bathroom turn into a dangerous situation for him in his head? Well, the discussion revealed his thoughts focused around being hurt. There was no history of it but because I was behaving in a manner he defined as “angry”, his thoughts created a story putting him danger. I showed him this thinking had completely destroyed hours of his evening by creating a story that didn’t even exist.

Our egos generate thoughts that create stories from the facts. The ego cannot be okay with the present moment, so it must find a way to make it different. One way it does this is to create a story. The only way to get out of it is to make our thoughts stick to the facts. In each and every situation, especially one where we find ourselves reactive, the solution is to notice our thoughts and the stories there. Is what we’re thinking strictly based on the facts? I often tell people (and myself) to write down the facts. In a particularly volatile situation that is unresolved, carry around the facts so you can anchor your thoughts if necessary. I’ve done this several times. It works.

The most important thing of all is to be able to notice when this is happening. Can you honestly admit when your head is making up stories? It takes courage to step back and really examine your thoughts for accuracy.  If you can begin doing this, your life will improve dramatically. No longer will you have needless drama. No longer will you hurt others with stories made up from the facts.

Challenge yourself.