The Voice & Our Conditioning

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As I used to say before I got present , “As long as I don’t argue with it and lose a fight, it’s okay”.  I belong to the recovery community and this voice, along with the varying characters of other voices (a.k.a. the angel, the devil, the peacekeeper, etc.), are collectively called the “shitty committee” usually because they have nothing to say other than criticism & judgment.

There’s a word for the voice(s). Most spiritual texts call it our ego. Not the ego of Freud or the ego of “you’re so conceited” - ego is the voice in your head that judges everything & labels situations good and bad. We are born without one. Before our parents have a chance to shape us, we run around not knowing what will hurt us, wanting to experience everything, and ignorant of societal rules.  Some of these rules are for our personal safety, like “look both ways before crossing the street” or “don’t touch a hot burner”. Most of the rules, though, are based on what our parents believe is good behavior, such as “good girls aren’t promiscuous”, “cursing is bad”, “being thin is attractive”, and “you must give gifts at holiday time”.  Those beliefs are based on cultural influences. They can do a lot of damage if we believe them, take them into adulthood & use them as our filter for everything in our lives.

The cure? Inspect them. Write them down & review them. Look at one. I’ll pick one very close to my life experience today – “Cursing is bad”. Is that true? Why is it true? I grew up in a very conservative Pentecostal family in Texas. I was told cursing was bad, especially the “F” word. I called my sister an “idiot” and my mouth was washed out with soap. You know what I took from that experience? “Idiot” is a bad word. I shouldn’t let anyone HEAR me use it. I should keep my judgments to myself. Now, that’s a lot of “shoulds”, isn’t it? The word “should” is a sign of conditioning & is a red flag for me these days. Anyway, I doubt my parents meant to teach me those things, but without a lecture on what they DID mean, my young mind grasped that erroneous lesson. I had to undo that later on.

So, I’m back to “cursing is bad”.  Is it true? Hmmm… NO. The facts of it are this: A so-called “bad” word is really just a few letters strung together & assigned a definition by society. For instance, “fuck” is four letters assigned the definition, well, many definitions. Look it up. I am amazed at how many slang definitions it has. People in America label the use of certain words as “bad” when they are simply words. The word itself is not bad. It’s bad because we think it’s bad. People don’t inspect that thought, so they go around shaming people who use curse words. There is no shame in them unless we choose to accept the shame. If we grew up believing we were bad to use them, we will accept the shame & think we’re bad. It’s quite damaging in the long run don’t you think? I can testify to it.

The only thing “bad” about a curse word is if we use it to hurt another person. In this vein, any word can be turned into a curse word. If my kids (I have two teenage boys) use “fuck” in a funny context or to illustrate the importance of something, I have no issue with that. It is simply a word. The only reason society calls it “bad” is because they’ve singled out several words and teach everyone they are “bad”. Now, I’ve taught them to treat others nicely or as they would like to be treated. In a perfect world, they would do that & never use the word “fuck” in a hurtful way to another person. Of course, they’re only learning & they use it improperly, although not as much as I thought they would. It is remarkable how little curse words are used for harm when the stigma of using them is removed altogether.

I looked at my conditioning around cursing. I found it baseless & simply a tool for control. Once I removed that thought from my conditioning, it no longer bothered me to hear curse words, unless they were used to inflict harm. Once I taught my boys the same thing, they react very seldom to those words anymore. That button no longer exists on them.

Now, that’s one example from my own experience. I don’t know about you, but until I could quiet my mind, the voice in my head (my ego) had something to say about nearly everything. It literally began to drive me crazy. We can use these same tools on any judgment our ego comes up with it. The key is to see it for what it is - a thought. You don't have to own it or react to it and therefore, cause harm. Just see the thought for what it is. See the conditioning that goes with it.

Believe you are not your thoughts. The only pain around an experience is the pain we create in our thoughts about the experience.

Are you ready to let go of everything your ego has you believing? It's an experience, but you have to be willing. You have to give up. The ultimate paradox - you must surrender to win. But that's another entry for another time.

For now, just know you aren't your thoughts.

What is Peace to Me?

As I sat here wondering what to make this first blog entry about, the first feeling that came to me was "Peace is what your signposts point to, but peace means different things to everyone. What does it mean to you?" But then, my silly thoughts began tossing that around & judging it, ridiculing it, labeling it, all kinds of ridiculous nonsense like that, because, well, that's what thoughts do. There was a time not too long ago when I would've bought into those thoughts & let them rule my behavior. Instead, I watched them. I waited to see what those thoughts told me to do or not to do. I let it pass & then I began writing this. So, here I am now, writing about what peace means to me.

Mostly, peace means staying calm, both inside & outside, no matter what life throws my way. For instance, in the last 24 months, my life has run the gamut of experiences. Close friends and/or family - killed themselves or died, were diagnosed with life-threatening diseases, had surgery, moved in, moved out, cut themselves, ran away, divorced, were unfaithful, had sexual identity crises, relapsed into substance abuse, etc. Some happened within my immediate family & others happened outside of it. A few times, the situation brought me to tears & with that, a lot of fear. But for the most part, I could see the situation was transient, as it always is. I was able to remove my emotions from the situation, maybe not immediately, but shortly thereafter, and regain a feeling of "alright-ness".

So for me, peace means to be able to find stillness or that quiet place in between thoughts, despite the craziness that is life, at times. No matter what, I'm able to still the fear & be okay with whatever is happening. After all, if something is going on it will do so whether I like it or not. To resist it by getting upset, arguing, name-calling, making up stories, is simply making a challenging situation even more challenging. Why do that? It makes no sense. The key is to NOT resist what is. To accept it fully, inside & out, even if it's scary or extremely sad. This also includes other emotions often labeled "positive" by society, such as excitement & anticipation. The point is not to align so closely with an emotional reaction, regardless of what it is, to the extent it becomes who I am or what I do.

Peace means being able to see my thoughts for what they are - ideas & conditioning - & ignore the reaction they want me to give. I don't want to resist the thoughts, but simply to "watch" them. I want to see the reaction they suggest, but not give into it. I want to let those thoughts pass & be able to laugh at what they wanted me to do. I then want to move on, past the thoughts, to a more relaxing, peaceful state.

 

I couldn't agree more. I would add "and mind" to the end of this & then, it would be perfection. This is what peace means to me & it's what this blog's signposts will point to.

What does peace mean to you?