The Voice & Our Conditioning

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As I used to say before I got present , “As long as I don’t argue with it and lose a fight, it’s okay”.  I belong to the recovery community and this voice, along with the varying characters of other voices (a.k.a. the angel, the devil, the peacekeeper, etc.), are collectively called the “shitty committee” usually because they have nothing to say other than criticism & judgment.

There’s a word for the voice(s). Most spiritual texts call it our ego. Not the ego of Freud or the ego of “you’re so conceited” - ego is the voice in your head that judges everything & labels situations good and bad. We are born without one. Before our parents have a chance to shape us, we run around not knowing what will hurt us, wanting to experience everything, and ignorant of societal rules.  Some of these rules are for our personal safety, like “look both ways before crossing the street” or “don’t touch a hot burner”. Most of the rules, though, are based on what our parents believe is good behavior, such as “good girls aren’t promiscuous”, “cursing is bad”, “being thin is attractive”, and “you must give gifts at holiday time”.  Those beliefs are based on cultural influences. They can do a lot of damage if we believe them, take them into adulthood & use them as our filter for everything in our lives.

The cure? Inspect them. Write them down & review them. Look at one. I’ll pick one very close to my life experience today – “Cursing is bad”. Is that true? Why is it true? I grew up in a very conservative Pentecostal family in Texas. I was told cursing was bad, especially the “F” word. I called my sister an “idiot” and my mouth was washed out with soap. You know what I took from that experience? “Idiot” is a bad word. I shouldn’t let anyone HEAR me use it. I should keep my judgments to myself. Now, that’s a lot of “shoulds”, isn’t it? The word “should” is a sign of conditioning & is a red flag for me these days. Anyway, I doubt my parents meant to teach me those things, but without a lecture on what they DID mean, my young mind grasped that erroneous lesson. I had to undo that later on.

So, I’m back to “cursing is bad”.  Is it true? Hmmm… NO. The facts of it are this: A so-called “bad” word is really just a few letters strung together & assigned a definition by society. For instance, “fuck” is four letters assigned the definition, well, many definitions. Look it up. I am amazed at how many slang definitions it has. People in America label the use of certain words as “bad” when they are simply words. The word itself is not bad. It’s bad because we think it’s bad. People don’t inspect that thought, so they go around shaming people who use curse words. There is no shame in them unless we choose to accept the shame. If we grew up believing we were bad to use them, we will accept the shame & think we’re bad. It’s quite damaging in the long run don’t you think? I can testify to it.

The only thing “bad” about a curse word is if we use it to hurt another person. In this vein, any word can be turned into a curse word. If my kids (I have two teenage boys) use “fuck” in a funny context or to illustrate the importance of something, I have no issue with that. It is simply a word. The only reason society calls it “bad” is because they’ve singled out several words and teach everyone they are “bad”. Now, I’ve taught them to treat others nicely or as they would like to be treated. In a perfect world, they would do that & never use the word “fuck” in a hurtful way to another person. Of course, they’re only learning & they use it improperly, although not as much as I thought they would. It is remarkable how little curse words are used for harm when the stigma of using them is removed altogether.

I looked at my conditioning around cursing. I found it baseless & simply a tool for control. Once I removed that thought from my conditioning, it no longer bothered me to hear curse words, unless they were used to inflict harm. Once I taught my boys the same thing, they react very seldom to those words anymore. That button no longer exists on them.

Now, that’s one example from my own experience. I don’t know about you, but until I could quiet my mind, the voice in my head (my ego) had something to say about nearly everything. It literally began to drive me crazy. We can use these same tools on any judgment our ego comes up with it. The key is to see it for what it is - a thought. You don't have to own it or react to it and therefore, cause harm. Just see the thought for what it is. See the conditioning that goes with it.

Believe you are not your thoughts. The only pain around an experience is the pain we create in our thoughts about the experience.

Are you ready to let go of everything your ego has you believing? It's an experience, but you have to be willing. You have to give up. The ultimate paradox - you must surrender to win. But that's another entry for another time.

For now, just know you aren't your thoughts.